Jack Monteith
04-03-2004, 05:05 PM
Good day, may I be of assistance?
Ron Petrie
The Leader-Post
Saturday, April 03, 2004
http://www.canada.com/regina/leaderpost/columnists/story.asp?id=6AA639BD-8B90-49E6-851D-6459C87FA886
Good afternoon. Bonjour. You have reached the federal firearms registry. Thank you for waiting. Please hold.
Federal firearms registry. Your call is important to us. One moment please.
Good afternoon. Federal firearms registry. How may I help you?
Pardon me? You're wondering about the, excuse me, the what precisely? Sorry, ma'am, I must have misheard ... oh, oh, OK! I see now. What's happened here, ma'am, is that you have dialed the federal firearms registry. What you want is the federal breast-implant registry, and unfortunately I can't help you there, either. The federal breast-implant registry does not yet exist, and probably never will. It's merely a proposal -- this is true -- a private member's bill introduced in Parliament this week by Winnipeg North Centre NDP MP Judy Wasylycia-Leis, the idea being to create a government list of all women who have ever had breast enlargements, so that if implants are later recalled or deemed hazardous, the patients can be contacted swiftly and surely. Many of the 100,000-200,000 Canadian women with breast enhancement seem to be of the view, however, that they can look out for their own health warnings, and that their surgeries were private matters between them and their doctors, none of the government's business. Long story short, no federal breast implant registry, OK? No, no, no, ma'am. No need to apologize. You're not the first to call. Have a good day.
Good afternoon. Federal firearms registry. Please hold.
Good afternoon. Federal ... oh, hello, Mr. Snerbleflute! Thank you, thank you, sir, for returning my call. I realize you firearms-control management folks upstairs are terribly busy, what with registry spending now up over a billion dollars, and hundreds of millions more on the way, but if I could just _
NO! No, sir, Mr. Snerbleflute. I am not calling to complain again about how it appears that I am the one and only operator hired in the entire history of the firearms registry to handle the incoming phone calls every day. What I am calling about, sir, is a bunch of unusual calls this week, all about that breast-implant registry. Should I refer them to another number, direct them to a Web site ...?
Uh-huh. Do my best to field questions about both programs, you say? Very well, sir. Have yourself a good day, sir.
Moron.
Good afternoon. Bonjour. You have reached the federal, um, the federal ... something, whatever, stuff-and-things registry. How may I help you?
Yes, ma'am. No, ma'am. With all due respect, what you say is untrue. No one has sprung this, as you say, "latest federal deal" on you out of the blue. I'm just doing my job, ma'am. By law, you were required to register yours some time ago. Now, what size is it?
Which one? You have more than one? I take it you're calling from the Prairies. I'm guessing ... Saskatchewan? Oh, just call it intuition. So how many do you currently have in your possession -- two, four, 19, 33? What you mean, of course two? Hey, no need for that tone. Let's just start with the first one. How big is it?
Same as the other one? What, you have, like, a matching set? Classics, I suppose, hanging off your hips in some fancy leather-and-rhinestone holster -- is that it?
Hello? Ma'am? Hello? Are you still there? The calibre, ma'am. I need to know the calibre.
Good to fair calibre, you say, and some have even suggested fantastic? No, I meant what size are they, specifically? Double D? Both? Hmmm. I'll have to check the manual on that. I don't seem to recall a DD. Unless ... do you by any chance mean BB? Because if you mean BB, that's awfully small, way below the registration requirement. You're certainly no threat to anyone if you're only packing a pair of little Red Ryders.
Yes, ma'am. I shall indeed rest assured that yours are significantly larger than that. Thirty-eights, you figure? Fine. Now, you have taken the course, right, and you have your safety certificate? Yes, the safety course. Ma'am, let's be fair. You have take some personal responsibility here. After all, you are obviously in possession of a pair of deadly weapons there.
Wha ...? Why, um, why, you're welcome, I guess, and, uh, no, actually I cannot see over the phone line. So then, what you need to do is take the safe-handling course. Once you have certification, we can calculate your licence fees.
Yes, ma'am, licence fees. Yell and curse me if you must, ma'am, but I have been at this job now for five years. I have heard it all, especially from your part of the country. Next thing you are going to tell me is that you have some constitutional right of possession, that you can't get by in Saskatchewan without yours, that you inherited them from your dear, old grandpa, or that only time you ever take them out is on the farm, and then only to scare the coyotes, that, that ...
Ma'am? Hello?
Ma'am?
Good afternoon. Bonjour. Federal firearm-and-whatever registry.
Ron Petrie
The Leader-Post
Saturday, April 03, 2004
http://www.canada.com/regina/leaderpost/columnists/story.asp?id=6AA639BD-8B90-49E6-851D-6459C87FA886
Good afternoon. Bonjour. You have reached the federal firearms registry. Thank you for waiting. Please hold.
Federal firearms registry. Your call is important to us. One moment please.
Good afternoon. Federal firearms registry. How may I help you?
Pardon me? You're wondering about the, excuse me, the what precisely? Sorry, ma'am, I must have misheard ... oh, oh, OK! I see now. What's happened here, ma'am, is that you have dialed the federal firearms registry. What you want is the federal breast-implant registry, and unfortunately I can't help you there, either. The federal breast-implant registry does not yet exist, and probably never will. It's merely a proposal -- this is true -- a private member's bill introduced in Parliament this week by Winnipeg North Centre NDP MP Judy Wasylycia-Leis, the idea being to create a government list of all women who have ever had breast enlargements, so that if implants are later recalled or deemed hazardous, the patients can be contacted swiftly and surely. Many of the 100,000-200,000 Canadian women with breast enhancement seem to be of the view, however, that they can look out for their own health warnings, and that their surgeries were private matters between them and their doctors, none of the government's business. Long story short, no federal breast implant registry, OK? No, no, no, ma'am. No need to apologize. You're not the first to call. Have a good day.
Good afternoon. Federal firearms registry. Please hold.
Good afternoon. Federal ... oh, hello, Mr. Snerbleflute! Thank you, thank you, sir, for returning my call. I realize you firearms-control management folks upstairs are terribly busy, what with registry spending now up over a billion dollars, and hundreds of millions more on the way, but if I could just _
NO! No, sir, Mr. Snerbleflute. I am not calling to complain again about how it appears that I am the one and only operator hired in the entire history of the firearms registry to handle the incoming phone calls every day. What I am calling about, sir, is a bunch of unusual calls this week, all about that breast-implant registry. Should I refer them to another number, direct them to a Web site ...?
Uh-huh. Do my best to field questions about both programs, you say? Very well, sir. Have yourself a good day, sir.
Moron.
Good afternoon. Bonjour. You have reached the federal, um, the federal ... something, whatever, stuff-and-things registry. How may I help you?
Yes, ma'am. No, ma'am. With all due respect, what you say is untrue. No one has sprung this, as you say, "latest federal deal" on you out of the blue. I'm just doing my job, ma'am. By law, you were required to register yours some time ago. Now, what size is it?
Which one? You have more than one? I take it you're calling from the Prairies. I'm guessing ... Saskatchewan? Oh, just call it intuition. So how many do you currently have in your possession -- two, four, 19, 33? What you mean, of course two? Hey, no need for that tone. Let's just start with the first one. How big is it?
Same as the other one? What, you have, like, a matching set? Classics, I suppose, hanging off your hips in some fancy leather-and-rhinestone holster -- is that it?
Hello? Ma'am? Hello? Are you still there? The calibre, ma'am. I need to know the calibre.
Good to fair calibre, you say, and some have even suggested fantastic? No, I meant what size are they, specifically? Double D? Both? Hmmm. I'll have to check the manual on that. I don't seem to recall a DD. Unless ... do you by any chance mean BB? Because if you mean BB, that's awfully small, way below the registration requirement. You're certainly no threat to anyone if you're only packing a pair of little Red Ryders.
Yes, ma'am. I shall indeed rest assured that yours are significantly larger than that. Thirty-eights, you figure? Fine. Now, you have taken the course, right, and you have your safety certificate? Yes, the safety course. Ma'am, let's be fair. You have take some personal responsibility here. After all, you are obviously in possession of a pair of deadly weapons there.
Wha ...? Why, um, why, you're welcome, I guess, and, uh, no, actually I cannot see over the phone line. So then, what you need to do is take the safe-handling course. Once you have certification, we can calculate your licence fees.
Yes, ma'am, licence fees. Yell and curse me if you must, ma'am, but I have been at this job now for five years. I have heard it all, especially from your part of the country. Next thing you are going to tell me is that you have some constitutional right of possession, that you can't get by in Saskatchewan without yours, that you inherited them from your dear, old grandpa, or that only time you ever take them out is on the farm, and then only to scare the coyotes, that, that ...
Ma'am? Hello?
Ma'am?
Good afternoon. Bonjour. Federal firearm-and-whatever registry.