DOK
07-29-2005, 07:50 AM
I do like the one about air fare to Denver and Salt Lake City
High Tech Buzzword - MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to fix
***
Hickbonics: RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
***
Where do frogs borrow money? From the river bank!
***
Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
***
Guybashing What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
***
Lost thought...Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
***
Yer from a SMALL TOWN if ... The football coach suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
***
You might be a redneck if You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
***
Because of MOVIES I know If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade -- at any time of the year.
***
PBS VIRUS Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
***
Company Motivational Poster? If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
***
We put the "k" in "kwality."
***
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
***
I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there is a stopover." "Where?"
"In Denver."
***
LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR OLD PEOPLE
* Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.
* Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.
* Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
* Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!
* Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.
***
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew down and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate until they couldn't eat anymore. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first robin. "Me either," said the second robin. "Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the first. "OK," said the second. The robins plopped down, basking in the sun.
They had barely fallen asleep when a big, fat tomcat sneaked up and gobbled both of them down. As he sat washing his face after his meal, the cat thought, "I just LOVE Baskin' Robins!"
***
You have only 2 things to worry about:
You're either rich or poor.
If you're rich, you have nothing to worry about.
If you're poor, you have 2 things to worry about:
whether you're in good health or bad.
If you're in good health, you have nothing to worry about.
If you're in bad health you may die.
If you die you have nothing to worry about.
You're either going to Heaven, or the other place.
If you go to Heaven, you have nothing to worry about.
If you go to the other place, you'll be busy greeting old friends and you won't have time to worry.
***
A ventriloquist and his little dog were traveling through the country and stopped at a farm house where the man promised the farmer he would have the dog talk some for him if he would give them something to eat. The farmer brought out some supper for the man and some bone scraps for the little dog. As they were eating, the ventriloquist asked the dog, "How do you like your supper, Carlo?"
"Plenty bone but not much meat!" the dog replied.
The farmer was astounded, said, "What'll you take for that dog?" The
traveller said, "Oh, couldn't part with my dog." "I'll give you $50 for him," the farmer said. The ventriloquist said, "What do you think, Carlo?" And Carlo spoke back to him, "Why, that other feller offered you $150, and now you'd sell me for just $50?" "Well, I need the money bad, Carlo," the man said, and told the farmer he would take the fifty if he would give him fifty more when he came back through in a month or two. The farmer said he would, and counted out $50 for him. The man handed the farmer the string that was tied around Carlo's neck and told Carlo goodbye. "Are you sure you're coming back?" Carlo asked him as he walked away. The traveller said yes he was. "Well," the dog said, "I'm sorry you're selling me, but I'd hate to see you get gypped. I'll not speak another word til you come back and this old fool gives you the rest of the money."
***
High Tech Buzzword - MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to fix
***
Hickbonics: RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
***
Where do frogs borrow money? From the river bank!
***
Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
***
Guybashing What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
***
Lost thought...Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
***
Yer from a SMALL TOWN if ... The football coach suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
***
You might be a redneck if You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
***
Because of MOVIES I know If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade -- at any time of the year.
***
PBS VIRUS Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
***
Company Motivational Poster? If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
***
We put the "k" in "kwality."
***
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
***
I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there is a stopover." "Where?"
"In Denver."
***
LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR OLD PEOPLE
* Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.
* Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.
* Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
* Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!
* Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.
***
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew down and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate until they couldn't eat anymore. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first robin. "Me either," said the second robin. "Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the first. "OK," said the second. The robins plopped down, basking in the sun.
They had barely fallen asleep when a big, fat tomcat sneaked up and gobbled both of them down. As he sat washing his face after his meal, the cat thought, "I just LOVE Baskin' Robins!"
***
You have only 2 things to worry about:
You're either rich or poor.
If you're rich, you have nothing to worry about.
If you're poor, you have 2 things to worry about:
whether you're in good health or bad.
If you're in good health, you have nothing to worry about.
If you're in bad health you may die.
If you die you have nothing to worry about.
You're either going to Heaven, or the other place.
If you go to Heaven, you have nothing to worry about.
If you go to the other place, you'll be busy greeting old friends and you won't have time to worry.
***
A ventriloquist and his little dog were traveling through the country and stopped at a farm house where the man promised the farmer he would have the dog talk some for him if he would give them something to eat. The farmer brought out some supper for the man and some bone scraps for the little dog. As they were eating, the ventriloquist asked the dog, "How do you like your supper, Carlo?"
"Plenty bone but not much meat!" the dog replied.
The farmer was astounded, said, "What'll you take for that dog?" The
traveller said, "Oh, couldn't part with my dog." "I'll give you $50 for him," the farmer said. The ventriloquist said, "What do you think, Carlo?" And Carlo spoke back to him, "Why, that other feller offered you $150, and now you'd sell me for just $50?" "Well, I need the money bad, Carlo," the man said, and told the farmer he would take the fifty if he would give him fifty more when he came back through in a month or two. The farmer said he would, and counted out $50 for him. The man handed the farmer the string that was tied around Carlo's neck and told Carlo goodbye. "Are you sure you're coming back?" Carlo asked him as he walked away. The traveller said yes he was. "Well," the dog said, "I'm sorry you're selling me, but I'd hate to see you get gypped. I'll not speak another word til you come back and this old fool gives you the rest of the money."
***