Lawns & God



GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the
world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the
dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I
had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow
in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with
abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts
butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected
to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these
green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The
Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers
"weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and
replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't
attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites
really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to
grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring
by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant
that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow
really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a
little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put
it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it
away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will
grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw
it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut
back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the
growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the
grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses
and pay more money to water it so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was
a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow
leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the
summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a
natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the
trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost
to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have
drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall,
they rake them into great piles and pay to have
them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and
buy something which they call mulch. They haul it
home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the
mulch.
GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.
St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have
you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a real stupid movie
about..
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from
St. Francis.