Well, I'm not too long past being the one dating the daughter, but as I have a baby daughter myself, I can already appreciate this!

Enjoy,
Ray Floyd


Mad Max Presents: Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Yep,  We're getting there!  My oldest daughter is now twelve...

I really like the part about I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres out back of the house.  Don't trifle with me!  

Oh, here in North Idaho many practice the three S's:  You know, shoot, shovel and shut-up! It's a rather universal language in many parts of the country!

Actually my kids are a real blessing!  We have the opportunity for them to go to an excellent private Christian school, they are really well rooted in the Lord, love our church youth group and youth pastor, and have a great peer group that polices their own ranks wonderfully.  I sincerely doubt that the three S's would need ever be discussed with anyone they would bring to the house... but just in case, I think it's really great psychology to be cleaning the 1911's or the 870's when their latest flame comes calling:  He'll either want to plan a mutual hunting trip, or he'll go packing!

God Bless,

Marshall

Northern panhandle of Idaho, Marshall! Your girls probably only get, what, maybe 3 weeks out of the year when it's warm enough to date and see other people? :D

Got room for 2 more in a few years? Maybe you could board them for me until they turn 30???

Actually if you refer to rule 8...

Thats really funny reading, although when your treated like that, well to be blunt it just sucks! it really sucks when your the decent guy that just wants to take her out to dinner and a movie brings her home early... ha, wow.

One young fella that came to pick up my daughter sat outside the gate and honked his horn.I walked down, opened the gate with my german shepard next to me looking real hard at him. I then proceded to open the hood of his truck and rip his horn wires out and gave them to him, along with instructions on how to get back to the hi-way. I heard a story from one of my daughters friends , that some guy made the comment he would like to get into her pants. Her comment was there was already one a$$-hole in their that was enough. ( dont know where she would have learned something like that ) My now son-in-law (not the afore mentioned) went out shooting with me. He has a HK USP 40 cal that he thought he was pertty good with. I had my CZ40, 45/70, mossberg 12 ga with the short bbl and BB shot for it. At the end of the shooting session his comment was, he was glad he dint come sneaking round my gate at night. I gave the boy a lesson in how well this "OLD" country boy can shoot. He now either calls me sir or by my first name, and offers a handshake on my arrival or departure. Guess my daughter must have forwarned him I dont like smart mouth kids.

Gun Runner :D

My Daughter[9] was watching a movie called "Clueless" the other day; there was a scene where a boy came a callin'.

The fathers answer to any hanky-panky was;

"Iv'e got a .45 and a shovel, you won't be missed for that long" :)

I saved that one for my son. He is a single parent and the girls are now 10 and 11. They are both beautiful. I just sold my Rem 870 super mag. I'm looking at a 10 gauge auto. Got the shovel in the back of the jeep. Great post, made my day today.

Actually my kids are a real blessing!  We have the opportunity for them to go to an excellent private Christian school


Marshall: while I lived in a Metro Area my neighbor was a teacher at a very similar school,, Last I heard he is still in jail for molesting children,, (I hope he rots there) You can't let your guard down!!