With a name like McCool, I suspect I can get away with these.

> Irish Prayer
>      Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back
> pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he
> felt something wet running down his leg.
> "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> "Irish Shopping"
>      McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered
> martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in
> a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
> the Irishman started to leave.
> "S' cuse me", said a customer, who was
> puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
> "what was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just
> sent me out for a jar of olives!"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> "You've Been Out Drinking Again"
>      An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
> finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave
> fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He
> figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will
> sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
> So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived
> at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through
> the door and into his bedroom.
> When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
> This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right
> into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
> He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over
> him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"   Putting on an innocent
> look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
> "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> "I've Lost Me Luggage"
>      An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the
> terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline
> employee asked him if he was already
> homesick.  "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
> "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
> """""""""""""""
"""""""""""""""
""""""""
>
> "Water to Wine"
>      An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
> speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the
> priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
> car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"   "Just water," says the
> priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
> The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
> again!"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> "The Reunion"
>      A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
> could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply. The first man
> then asks, "Where are you from?"  "I'm from Ireland," replies the second
> man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's
> have another round to Ireland." "Of course," says the second. Curious,
> the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"  "Dublin," comes the reply.   "I
> can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
> "Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school
> did you attend?" "Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in
> '62." "This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.
> About that time, in comes one of the
> regulars and sits down at the bar.  "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
> "Nothing much," replied the bartender.  "The O'Malley twins are drunk
> again!"

EXCELLENT!!

This guy comes into a bar and asks the bartender to set him up with three drinks. *The bartender, looking puzzled, asks "Why three drinks at once?" *The man replies that fortune had taken him and his two brothers separate ways, but they swore before they split up that every Friday they would go to a pub, wherever they were, and would enjoy of round of drinks together as if they were all together again. *This practice went on for several years, when one night the man came in and asked to be set up with only two drinks. *The bartender thinking the worse offered his condolences. *The man replied, "Oh no, nothing like that, it's just that I have quit drinking!"


(Edited by Big Bore at 1<!--emo&:0--><img src="http://beartoothbullets.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wow.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':0'><!--endemo-->8 pm on Mar. 4, 2001)

Irishman has been drinking for years. He spends intirely too much time at the local pub with his chums.
His wife has finally had enough. She threatens him with divorce unless he quits drinking and spending so much time with his chums. In addition she has a short list of 5,000 things he can do to make her happier.
Well, there's no way he wants a divorce and conceeds.
The first thing on her list is, he needs to start doing something nice for her. She allows that he can start with bringing home some of her favorite foods on Friday and this Friday Snails..Escargo would be a nice start.
Ok says he.
So Friday after he work he goes to the French place and gets the escargo.
On the way home he has to pass his old pub and his chums. They try to get him to come in for a drink..Nope says he.
How about a pint says they.....Nope My wife will be very disapponted.
Ok how about a half pint they say.
Well that's not to bad, so Yes says he.
So three hours later and 12 half pints later he continues on the way home.
Just as he reaches his front step he stumbles and drops the escargo.
She hears the commotion and opens the door. He's standing there with the snails all about. He raises his arms like he sheparding the snails and says..........................................

Ok Guys, almost there, now up the steps........

Didn't God invent whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world?


My favorite was repeated in the Tom Selleck movie Crossfire Trail a few months back.

An Irishman, a Frenchman, and a German walk into a bar and all three order whiskey. Just as the bar keep sets the drinks on the counter, a fly lands in each drink.

The Frenchman cries out &quot;Take it away! I can not drink that!&quot; as he pushes the glass away repulsed.

The German picks the fly out and downs the shot.

The Irishman picks the fly from the glass and shouts
&quot;Spit it out ! Spit it out&quot;

LOL!!!


You guys are killing me!



:biggrin: