Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the **** is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look
HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
# 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

I gotta say the tears are still streaming and my jaws hurt from laughing. Excellent chili report. I used to manage a commercial building down on the Seattle waterfront just below the Pike Street market.

There was a small chili place there, and still is, called World class chili. He made several kinds and had won cookoffs all over the country.

I used to stop every day and have a bowl of chili. It was served over beans or rice or macaroni and you could have it mild, medium, hot or do you want to see god. The mild was hot enough to make me sweat and glad for something cold and wet to go with it. I only tried the medium once an that was enough.

Thanks for the good post.

I get some hot wings here that will sear your soul. :D Les

I wouldn't have made it throught #1.....guy has to know his limitations!

Dan

Well, you are from Iowa, do expect you get much hot food there. :D Les

Nothing wrong with Iowa, except I never seen so many dead racoons along the highway. Wonder if they'd make good chili?

have to admit as I get older my tolorance for hot has gone down some. When I was a young guy growing up and logging here in Idaho I used to take a jar of hot peppers for lunch every day.

As I grew older and ended up driving truck I kept a jar to eat when I got sleepy. Worked way better then no-doze and you never got the caffean hang over that no-doze gave you.

The Texans tell me that you can't make good chili without armadillo meat. The reason those raccoons get run over in Iowa is because they are so full of soft corn they can hardly move. They love it when the ears have just filled, before it gets hard.

My middle daughter brought over a pot of her chili the other day. You could smell the spices and peppers without eating it. Had the wife make me a couple of burros out of it with some sour cream on top and the stuff still almost melted my denture down! Don't need to trim the hair in my nose for another month or so. :eek:

My homemade sausage comes in somewhere between #'s 5 and 6 :p

[QUOTE=faucettb]Nothing wrong with Iowa, except I never seen so many dead racoons along the highway. Wonder if they'd make good chili?

QUOTE]

Naw, Just take'm to Buzzasds Pizza at Lyndon, KS!

I got a buddy that loves hot food, we go out for chinese and everybody puts their thai chilis on his plate and he eats them like candy.

....I used to manage a commercial building down on the Seattle waterfront....

...When I was a young guy growing up and logging here in Idaho....

....As I grew older and ended up driving truck....

Add to that, gunsmith, guide, military grunt....geez, how many jobs have you had Bob?!! :D Surprised "chili chef" wasn't among them!

Good joke Violator.

I just never did figure out what I wanted to do when I grew up. Lets see, Correctional Officer, Newspaper photographer, Newspaper editor (military), Logger, millright, gosh there's more.

Do have some regrets, should have stayed in military and retired. Never thought much about putting aside any retirement, little things like that.

I've sure had some good times though and can't think of much I'd do different. Nice thing about not being the smartest guy in the world is you don't realize all the mistakes you've made going thru life. Acuna matada

Well, you are from Iowa, do expect you get much hot food there. :D Les

Hey, we've got Taco Bell, but I'll admit I stick to the mild sauce! But yes, pretty much meat, potatoes, eggs, whole milk, etc. as I grew up on the farm.

I've never figured out why animals as smart as racoons get hit so much. I've never hit one, but you sure seem 'em. I can tell you deer aren't any smarter. Yesterday hit the brakes as three does trotted slowly across the road about 40 yards in front of me, not a care in the world.

Dan

In eastern Oklahoma, its skunks that litter the roads. Can't go a quarter mile without one stinking up the road.

Hot chili is hard to find up here on the frozen prairies. However, there's some Ukrainian Garlic Sausage that will get your attention. The shop in the town north of here made Mild and Farmer's. The Mild was double strength and the Farmer's was quadruple strength or "Leave no one standing". They called it Farmer's because you could throw a half dozen coils in the combine cab in the middle of August and it was still fresh in October. :D

Bye
Jack

Not bad at all.

My wife makes a brown chili with beans that is pretty good but not hot as she just isn't a spicy food person.

She can tell when I'm making chili verde because when she gets home and opens the front door, her eyes begin to water and her nose starts to run. Then I know its almost too hot for the kids and we're gonna need sour cream to mix in so she can eat it. I have left out the habaneros for herand she does appreciate that.

it'seen a long time since i read that story and i still laugh out loud every time i read it
thank you
mike