jpattersonnh
11-17-2006, 09:45 AM
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action, Wednesday at 8PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "****" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening, in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is ****?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope, along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
-------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-----------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM, there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-----------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall, after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
---------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
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-----------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
---------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
----------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action, Wednesday at 8PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
-------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
-------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
---------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "****" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
----------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
----------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
---------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
-----------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-----------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening, in the church hall. Music will follow.
-----------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is ****?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope, along with the deceased person you want remembered.
------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
-------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-----------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM, there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-----------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall, after the B. S. is done.
------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-----------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
----------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
---------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
-