When the boogieman goes to bed at night he checks the closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He strares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

When Chuck Norris does pushups he isn't lifting himself up he is pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris does not sleep...He waits.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris....just to be safe.

When taking the SAT write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score an 8000!

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King...and got one.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaraunt. The steak did what it was told!

when chuck norris sneezed the universe was created

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker, Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris is not built like a horse... horses are built like Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old goat. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby goat 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to kiss every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.


When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in aliens, because he beat them all up.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ***, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks

:p

I say this with the uptmost respect, but one of you (and I wouldn't mention names) has a little too much time on his hands???? :p :p

I say this with the uptmost respect, but one of you (and I wouldn't mention names) has a little too much time on his hands???? :p :p

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks DOK into a different universe for daring to think that writing about Chuck Norris is a waste of time.

nah, that was a copy, paste and err, edit, for some of the content was a bit questionable for this site. :P

I think that they are pretty funny, and get a good laugh out of them....as silly as this thread is.

somebody has the absolute worst case of hero worship I have ever heard of.....

Chuck Norris says "yes sir" to Bruce Lee!

Chuck Norris says "yes sir" to Bruce Lee!

Yeah and then he roundhouse kicks him in the face!

Chuck Norris does not solve equations. He stares at them until they break down.

Chuck Norris does not write software, his PC fears him so much that it anticipates what he wants to do.

"Mean reversion" originally was used to refer to the mood Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not ring up brokers to get a quote. He states the price, and they make it so.

When Chuck Norris takes a position, it stays taken.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes making out with his waitress.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting; the word hunting implies there could be failure. Chuck Norris goes KILLING!

When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, he doensn't get wet, the pool gets Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

And then he roundhouse kicked NASA officials in the face.

I tried to roundhouse kick Chuck Norris in the face. He blocked it......and then he roundhouse kicked me in the face.

Well, I've seen a few episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger on late night television in hotels. My observation is that he relies heavily on spinning back kicks, but I can't recall seeing him do a roundhouse kick? So, the whole premise of half the above jokes is technically incorrect.

:o

Well, I've seen a few episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger on late night television in hotels. My observation is that he relies heavily on spinning back kicks, but I can't recall seeing him do a roundhouse kick? So, the whole premise of half the above jokes is technically incorrect.

:o

But it is just sooo cool to say "Roundhouse Kick"! See how it flows out? You should try it. Say it. "Roundhouse Kick". No? Ok buddy I'm calling Chuck. we'll see what he says about this.

okay guys during my twelve hour car ride up to West Virginia today i was thinking about this thread. I came up with this all by myself so go easy...

When Chuck Norris goes hunting he doesn't take a gun, the animals either get roundhouse kicked in the face or they drop dead out of respect


Oh and Chuck Norris's pee isn't Red Bull, it is napalm

Copied from an Associated Press article in today's newspaper:

Huckabee also previewed his first television ad of the campaign on the program. The 60-second spot, which features actor Chuck Norris, was to begin running in Iowa on Monday.

"My plan to secure the border. Two words: Chuck. Norris," says Huckabee, who stares into the camera before it cuts away to show Norris standing beside him.

"Mike Huckabee is a lifelong hunter who'll protect our Second Amendment rights" on gun ownership, says the tough-guy actor, who takes turns addressing viewers.

"There's no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard, only another fist," Huckabee says.

"Mike Huckabee wants to put the IRS out of business," Norris adds.

"When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the earth down," Huckabee says.

"Mike's a principled, authentic conservative," says Norris.

In closing, Huckabee says: "Chuck Norris doesn't endorse. He tells America how it's going to be. I'm Mike Huckabee and I approved this message. So did Chuck."
[end quote]

Now the real question is how long has Mike Huckabee been lurking here?

Grins,

The Old Guy

The ad is on YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDUQW8LUMs8

Well that ad just took all the fun out these jokes.

I'm done.

Not a huckabee fan?

Doggone it! After reading this post I have been struggling to suppress the urge to roundhouse kick close the file cabinets at work!

Yeah, ok, one DID slip through. Thank goodness the libebracrats and Oprahphiles weren't looking! They just wouldn't understand.

Not a huckabee fan?

not that, I think is was more of the delivery...:rolleyes: